Oh my kids! Look at this picture...Ha Ha! Can you tell they are 1 years old? Can you tell that they can't stay in one spot? This picture was taken on Mother's Day before we left for church. Last years picture was easy...they just sat on my lap and stared at daddy and the camera. This year I was a little sad that we could not get a good picture with my beautiful kiddos. I thought, oh well we will try later. On the other hand, now I am thinking that this is how they are at this stage in their life. Why try to make it look otherwise?!? Right? As far as I am concerned, this is one of my favorite pictures!! They are so active and happy! And that makes me happy.
Mother's Day was really hard on me this year. Was it lack of sleep, two jobs, raising twins or way stressed out...possibly all of the above. I was feeling like a lousy mom. I know that I am not a terrible mom and I also know that I am not perfect. What was getting to me the most was being really tired and working two jobs and having to be away from my family so much. I started to feel this way on Monday before Mother's Day.
I had had a very long week previous to this. When I am tired my emotions tend to run a little high. The last time I remember feeling this emotional was after Caleb and Emma were born and I was only getting a few hours of sleep a night. Now, Emma is sleeping all night with just an occasional night here or there that she wakes up. And Mr. Caleb is almost sleeping all night. If he does wake up he goes right back to sleep. So, I can't say that I am not getting enough sleep.
We were doing the big state testing (ISAT's) at our school that week. I am a proctor for the test. At that time the library is converted into a computer lab and the students come in to take their big tests. There is a lot of stress for everyone with these tests. I don't mind being the proctor for the test, but it is dull, long and boring having to read the direction before every test. Then wait quietly until they are done. I am very positive that I lost brain cells from no brain activity that week before and the two days following Mother's Day. My brain was tired and then I was, of course going to work in the evenings on that Monday night and Wednesday night at Dressbarn. (I always work Monday nights, Wednesday nights and on Saturdays either open or closing shift.) Business was not busy so I was yet again standing around lot and working quietly on brainless activities in the store. Too much time to think...
When I am at work at the school I don't feel so bad about being away from my kids. Lots of people have to work. Lots of moms take their kids to day care. I never worry about them there. They have so much fun at Miss Candi's house and they love their little friends. It feels different when I go to work at Dressbarn. Even though I have the most amazing husband and he takes good care of our little monkeys, I still want to be home with my family. I always call at least once or twice a night to see how they are doing and maybe I will get to hear them playing. They are always fine. But it makes me want to be there with them.
So that Monday night before Mother's Day I was thinking about my kiddos and how much I missed them. How I can't wait for summer vacation so I can be with them all the time during the day. That way when I do go to work at Dressbarn, I won't feel so bad about being away from them. I got home Monday night and they were already asleep of course and so I went to bed as soon as I could. I was dead tired. I slept hard too. At one point Emma woke up. I didn't hear her so I didn't get up. Rick heard her and got up with her. When Rick was coming back to bed I woke up. I asked why he was up and he told me that Emma had woken up. I felt so bad!!! Here I was so tired I didn't even hear my own daughter. So add that to feeling bad about not being home enough and you get guilt. I was feeling so guilty and like a lousy mom.
I cried a lot on Tuesday trying to sort out my feelings. I told Rick that I wanted a quiet Mother's Day and that I would be happy if we could just come home from church instead of going out with our church friends like we always do. I was not feeling sorry for myself...but I was really being too hard on myself.
I talked to my boss, Germaine, at Dressbarn when I worked on Wednesday night. I needed to vent to someone. I told her how I was feeling. She was sorry that I felt that way. Germaine was very understanding and encouraging to me. She told me that she felt bad for moms in todays world. Too many moms are made to feel guilty about working to making ends meet and are not given the credit for showing their kids that if you want things in life you need to work hard and earn them. She made me realize that even though I have to work a little extra now, it won't be forever. Also, that I AM taking care of my kids by working a part time job. She said, "Katie, you are working to make sure your children don't go without! That is so important too!!" She is right. It is very important.
That night I went home, the kids were fast asleep like they always are when I get home from work. So, I talked to Rick again about it. He made me feel better too. He told me that he loves the way Caleb and Emma look at me and get excited to see me when we pick him up from day care or the nursery at church. I have to admit, I do too. They look at me like I am the best thing in their world! Then the times he is trying his best to entertain them while I am fixing super but they just want to be with mommy. I just have to remember that when I am home with them, which is more than I am gone in reality, I have to show them my love and complete attention. Rick and I both do this very well I think.
I don't know if Caleb and Emma will ever really know how much I love them. It is hard for me to express my love for my kids in words or actions. Saying "I love you" to them, kissing and hugging all the time and cuddling just never seems like it is enough. I can only hope that some day when they are adults and they look back at growing up in our home they will know how much I wanted them and love them. I hope they will know that I always did the best I could in raising them. That is all I can do is my best.
Mother's Day is very special for me. I feel so blessed to have my children. They truly are the most wonderful gift I have ever received. For many years it was a day that I dreaded. Not being able to have kids, I just hated the thought of sitting through a Mother's Day service at church. It was a very painful reminder that I was childless. It was a twist of the knife in my heart. This is also why I could not go to baby showers and celebrate with anyone. It was not that I was not happy for them, but it would tear me up inside for weeks. Now, I have my little blessings. They are all that I hoped for and more. Even when they are running through the house like tornadoes or they won't hold still for a picture they are all mine and I am thankful. So for me, Mother's Day is not just about honoring me or other mothers. For me, it is about being truly grateful to my Lord Jesus for letting me be a mom...even on my lousy mom days or the best mom days, I am a mom. And that is all I have ever wanted.
"Hey Misty, what are you doing back there?"
Starting to think it was not so much fun!
It is so nice to have friends that have older kids...then we get the hand-me-downs!! And boy, do I love hand-me-downs!! It has saved us so much money to get toys, strollers, clothes, etc. from families that don't need the "stuff" any more.
