It is the little things in life that are keeping me going right now...
*Little notes this week from three friends, checking on me to see how I am or just letting me know that they are thinking of me!
*All the students at school that hug me, tell me they love me and missed me over Spring Break!
(Or asking me how I am after the episode at school before we left for break. Telling me they were worried and it scared them...that is true LOVE! I love them! I felt so bad that I let them see me like that. Talk about humbling when you have to apologize to them for scaring them and that you are trying really hard to stay strong for them.)
*My children....enough said!
*My husband...for all the hugs that I get...the listening ear and so much more!
*The prayers of so many!
*The sunshine this week!
*The fact that I got some positive news about Grandma this afternoon!
(She is off the pain pills...with no pain! They have her down to one steroid pill a day instead of 4! She is trying to eat better. Having her more comfortable in this time is a big blessing! Thank you Lord!)
I have not written this post yet, because it will be the hardest for me to get through. When it comes to saying good-bye to my family, it is never easy for me. I cry every time regardless of the situation. But I have never had to experience anything like this before.
I am so thankful that I was able to go back to be with my Grandma and Grandpa and help in anyway I could. Never having experienced anything like this before, I never realized how draining it is. Please don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of me being home with them! I will never regret going and would do it again in a heart beat. Watching someone you love...hurting, suffering, and you know they are dying, is emotionally draining. I don't know how many times my aunts and uncles, thanked me for all my help and referred to me as a blessing, a lot and all of them, but in the end I still wish I could have done more.
I prayed really hard Saturday night as I lay in bed, that Grandma would feel good enough to go to Easter service the next morning. I didn't sleep well, knowing what the next day was bringing. My heart hurt and ached for what I had to do. I listened to the sounds of my grandparents house. I thought about all the memories of my grandparents. How thankful I was that my own children know and love them. How blessed I am to have two sets of grandparents that have been so AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL throughout my life! Some people hardly ever know their grandparents, and here I have this amazing bond with mine! How did I get so lucky?! I guess the good Lord knew that I would need them.
I woke up Sunday feeling tired, but got out of bed. I could hear movement upstairs. By the foot steps, I could tell it was my Grandpa. I got up there and he was getting ready to head outside to check on the new calf from the night before. This was the third calf that was born while I was visiting. Grandma got up a little earlier than normal and I could tell right away that she didn't look great. I got her her medicine and some toast, but she didn't want anything else. We talked about her going to church and we decided that it would be best if she went back to sleep.
Grandpa and I left for church. We were both sad that Grandma was not going to be joining us, but knew that it would be best for her to get more sleep and be ready for company that afternoon. Grandpa and I talked on the way to church about how every day for Grandma is different and you never know what it is going to be like. Just when you think things are looking pretty good, it changes. Or the opposite is true too, just when things are looking really tough, it changes. As we were just about to town, my Grandfather reached over and grabbed my hand. His voice was a little tight and I could tell that it was very emotional for him to say what he said to me, "You will never know how much you being here meant to Grandma. And me too. I am glad you came out." He was crying a little. This is only the second time I have ever seen that man cry. The first was when my Great Grandma Emma died, his mother. I told him that it meant a lot to me too and I was glad I could come.
Easter service was good. I have always loved sitting in that little country Lutheran church. It feels like home and brings back such fond memories. Mind you the hard wood pews are not great and I don't remember them being that hard when I was a kid, but the wood floors, the tall windows and the organ seem so peaceful to me. My Uncle Scott (Scooter) and my Aunt Nancy were there with their family. My Great Uncle Tom (Grandpa Norb's brother) was there too. I recognized many faces of people in the congregation. People that knew me all my growing up years. They seem so old to me now and I am sure many of them looked at me, thinking, 'Wow! There is little Katie...Carol and Norb's oldest granddaughter! She is all grown up!'
When we got home I went up stairs to check on Grandma. I caught her trying to get in the shower by herself. She knew it too cause she said, "Oh you caught me". I helped her in and out. Grandma had color in her cheeks and seemed to be feeling pretty good. It was nice to see her perking up some.
Soon everyone started to show up with food for Easter dinner. My Uncle Marty smoked ribs and chicken. So yummy! We had jello pretzel salad, a pasta salad, rolls, the ribs and chicken, chips and ice cream cake for dessert. We all ate well and even Grandma seemed to eat well. After we were done eating we were resting in the living room and Grandma said that she felt a lot better now that she had eaten. I sometimes wonder if Grandma gets her "not feeling good" stomach pains mixed up with her "hungry" pains. I know that sounds weird, but with the cancer in her brain and the radiation, I wonder if she is mixed up sometimes. She did seem much better after eating.
My Aunt Wendi had put together a video of pictures for us to enjoy as a family. Oh the laughs and tears that we all shared. Grandma cried, but I know how much looking at all those memories means to her!
Here it is if you want to watch it:
Part 1
Part 2
We took some family pictures while we had a bunch of us there. There were nine of us cousins there for Easter and seven that were not. It was awesome to get some pictures together and with Grandma and Grandpa too. Those are memories that all of us will treasure. Every good moment for Grandma is something to be thankful for.
Nine cousins together...back row: Samantha, Josh, me, Rick, Matthew; Front row: Michael, Jaime, Becca and Taylor
(Missing seven cousins)
With Grandma and Grandpa Benke
My beautiful Grandparents and I
Aunt Wendi and I - family resemblance?!?!
As the time ticked on, I knew I would have to say good-bye soon. My aunts asked me how I was doing and I started to cry. I knew this day was coming the whole week, but with it right in front of me it was the hardest. My uncles and aunts all hugged me first. It was super hard knowing that the next time I see everyone again will be at the funeral. I went and knelt down in front of my grandmother. I gave her a kiss and hugged her. We both were sobbing. It hurt so bad and I knew it was hurting Grandma too. I told her I loved her. I told her to take it easy. I hugged her again and kissed her cheek. Then I told her that I would call the next week to check on things. Then I had to let go and walk away. That about killed me. There was this looming, empty feeling as I walked down the stairs. I hugged my cousins, grabbed my bags and out the door I went. Nothing has ever hurt or torn me apart inside more than that moment. Knowing that it was the last time that I will see my Grandmother...I have felt nothing like it ever. Honestly, I hope I never have to feel that ever again.
My Aunt Wendi drove me to Fargo. We talked a lot on the way. It was good to have some alone time with her too. She promised to keep me posted with everything, for which I am grateful. It is hard being so far away, when you want to be close to help.
The flight from Fargo to Minneapolis was short. When I got the Minneapolis I had a 3 and a half hour layover. I decided I should try to eat something. I got some food tried to eat, but that was like swallowing rocks. So I called Rick, cried and talked with him. Then I sat around at my gate waiting for boarding time. I was slow, but finally we left. The flight home was long and miserable. Mostly, because I was so tired and was trying to sleep, but couldn't.
When we got to Boise my hubby and kids were waiting for me. Bless their little hearts they made a sign for me that said, "Welcome Home Mommy! We missed you!" It was so sweet! It felt good to hug and kiss them all.
The next day I stayed home from work, for two reasons, it was super late when I flew in and I would have been an emotional mess. It was better that I just relaxed with my kids, did laundry and took Emma to dance class.
Looking back on my week in Minnesota. I have a sense of peace about it. I am still emotional. I am still not very hungry most of the time. I know that all of this will fade some. The one thing that I know is that it was meant to be for me to be there. I know that God helped work it all out. It was perfect timing in some many ways. Thank you Lord for working it all out. Thank you for the gift of being with my Grandmother and the gift of having her in my life for 32 years! I am blessed beyond words!
Some day my Grandmother will be gone, but I will carry a piece of her with me always. And when she goes she will take a little of me. The bond will never break. And some day...some day, I will see her again. I will hug her again and tell her how much I have missed her since she left!
I am a wife, mother and working girl. I love my wonderful family - my loving husband, Rick. We have been married since July 12, 2003; my son, Ryan - Air Force man; and my adorable twins, Emma and Caleb - the lights of my life. I enjoy being with my family and friends. I work as a school librarian and LOVE IT. I believe in hard work, loving with all you have and laughing as often as possible. I am very involved with my church and Praise the Lord for all the gifts in my life.
