My Grandma

It seems crazy that a year ago my beloved Grandma Carol was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It also seems so crazy how fast changing and down hill everything went.  The last two weeks have been extremely rough not only on Grandma, but our whole family.  Needless to say, the last two weeks I have been a mess.  Things are not going to get better.  Tuesday of this week, we were told that the cancer is not only in the liver and the bones, but is now in her brain.  I am struggling to find the words to express how I am feeling.  Mostly, I keep it bottled up inside of me.  I have not been taking care of myself the way I should be because of the stress.  I have a hard time eating and sleeping.  I am also grouchy and depressed.

Yesterday at work, all the damage I have been causing my body went SPLAT!  I collapsed at work...I didn't black out, but I got dizzy, very tired, shaky, could see straight or hear well.  The paramedics were called and it was decided that it was low blood sugar.  The school nurse gave me juice before the paramedics got there and when they check it was in the low 70, which means it was lower than that before the juice. They made me drink the juice and half of a gross cereal bar.  By the time they let me go home it was up to 103.  I got home ate and slept.  I can't do this!  I am hurting so bad, but I have kids and a husband to take care of.  I have lost more weight, which is NOT needed. Today I feel better...today I am remembering good memories with Grandma.

 My beautiful Grandma Carol, July 2012

My strong, beautiful Grandma Carol, March 21, 2013

(She sent me this picture...her and the flowers we sent her)

My Grandmother has this incredible ability to make you feel like you are the most important person to her. I am the oldest grandchild on this side of the family.  Grandma and I have always had a very special bond.  My parent got divorced when I was 3 years old.  This was so hard on me growing up.  My parents never could seem to get along, even for the short time of switching us between each other.  This always made me nervous to know that they were going to fight.  When I was 5 or 6 years old, it bothered me so much I would physical get sick.  My Grandma Carol finally stepped in and said NO MORE!  She said that my mom was to bring us to her and she would get us to dad.  This way I would not get sick.  She was my hero!  She loved me enough to protect me from that situation.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they love me, but sometimes parents get too wrapped up at hating each other that they can't see how it hurts the kids.  

One of my favorite and most treasured memories of being with my Grandma is when we would stay at the farm with my grandparents.  Grandpa would get up before the sun to head out to the barn to milk cows.  I always woke up when he was banging around in the hallway.  I never minded though, because this meant I could sneak into bed with Grandma.  I would run in there and climb on the bed.  She was always ready for me.  She would throw back the covers and pull me close to her.  I LOVED THAT!  Sometimes we would fall back to sleep and sometimes we would talk.  Sometimes she would sing and sometimes she would tell me stories.  Is there any chance that I could be six again?  I miss those times!

There is NOTHING better on this earth than Grandma Carol's fried fish straight from the lakes of Minnesota! YUM! And her homemade Mac-n-Cheese...AMAZING...like nothing I have ever had.  Sadly, I have never been able to recreate it!

I love the fact my grandparents were in a band in their younger days.  They even made records...which I now have on my iPod!  How cool and hip are they!?!  I remember Grandma would get out the records and play them.  Then we would dance and sing along.  The greatest things is that now my children are dancing to their music in our kitchen!

I love my Grandma's hands!  They are rough from all her hard work in her life and the care she has given us all.  When I look at her hands it makes me smile. There is a safe feeling holding her hand!

How Grandma walks...FAST!!!  For a short women she is super quick!

Sitting in church with my grandparents, in the little country Lutheran church in Minnesota was always a favorite.  I loved hearing Grandma sing.  I loved the fact that she would always keep Wintergreen Breath Savers  or some other kind of mint like that in her purse for us.  We would usually have to dig through the mounds of Kleenex to find them, but we knew they were there!

Her thick Minnesota accent is the best!  I have called her at least once a week on the phone to talk for as long as I can remember.  There is nothing more soothing than hearing her voice. When I am home sick or lonely, I call my Grandma!

Playing cards or dice with Grandma...hours of fun.  Those times of playing were really times of chatting!

Fishing with her and Grandpa.  Then helping her clean them.  That women is a pro at filleting a fish!

 The time she made us a carrot cake when we came to visit.  As we were enjoying the wonderful taste, she exclaimed loudly, "OH!!!  I forgot the carrots!"  We all laughed that she got so upset.  None of us even noticed! 

Grandma has collect dolls as long as I can remember and got me hooked on them too!  Her home is full of beautiful dolls.  She even made 2 porcelain dolls herself.  Grandma gave Emma one of them this summer.  It is in our living room...we love it!

Grandma Carol loves the Lord.  I am grateful for the example that she and Grandpa have always been to me, as Christians.  Thankful for the fact that someday, we will be together forever! Good-bye here on earth is hard, but someday we will be reunited! Praise God!

There are so many other memories and things that I love about her. I could write all night.  This post is really just me grieving and processing everything.  I know that I will be okay, but right now I am struggling.  I will just have to be okay with the fact that this struggling is part of the process of letting go.

Always in my heart...always in my thoughts...walking beside me...